Condemnation

About once a month I post an entry on our church's blog.  I posted this last week and thought I would share it here as well:

   

     Every spring I have such good intentions.  This is the year I am going to have an early garden.  I want lettuce, spinach, and peas.  April comes and I just know that one of these days I'll get them in my garden.  May comes and it's still not done.  Usually by Memorial Day weekend, my dad comes and plants my corn and beans for me.  This year I bought my tomato, cucumber, and zuchinni plants, got them in the ground, and the next morning they were all gone.  Eaten by some annoying creature of the wild.  This happened about a week before we left for a family trip to California and they never got replanted.  I am certainly not an avid gardener.  I'm kind of a wanna-be.  I love the idea of fresh produce in my backyard, but the reality of it all is a bit much for me.
     
     Where we live we are surrounded by Amish.  Last spring, an old farm down the road went up for sale and it was bought by a young Amish couple.  I often walk by their house and early this spring would see them working away in their amazing garden.  They were getting it all in.  Early.  I was dreaming of lettuce and sugar peas and they were actually doing it.  After seeing them planting their potatoes one evening, every time I would walk by their house and see their perfect rows of budding vegetables, a little voice inside my head would shout, "FAILURE."  I would see all that they had done and wish I could keep up.
  
     Unfortunately for me, my garden is not the only area where that little voice of condemnation loves to scream.  Grace's house is always clean, Barbara is so organized, Brenda is so thoughtful, Cynthia is just so godly.  The list goes on, so-and-so is prettier, friendlier, has better clothes, a nicer house, better behaved children, has more friends, a better cook, she actually works out, has more flawless skin, is kinder to her husband.  Me, I feel like a haphazard mess.

     I had a conversation with Steve recently and shared the garden situation with him.  After he briefly mocked me for trying to keep up with the Amish neighbors, he pointed me to my heart and said, "You are walking in condemnation."  I've been chewing on that for a little now and will attempt to share what I am learning.  Note: I recognize here that my struggle goes deeper than condemnation, it's also sinfully comparing myself to others and a deep seeded fear of man.  But we can save those topics for another time.  Any other pastor's wife want to tackle them??

     Romans 8:1 tells us simply that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.  So why then does it feel that I am often walking in a constant state of it?  For me it is helpful to realize where the condemnation is coming from and what it is rooted in.  In my heart, I feel it is born out of a legalistic approach to God.  I am looking for righteousness in my own behavior.  I want to do it right, I want to be patted on the back like a good girl.  When I see that I have fallen short in a certain area, it's a failure.  I'm a loser.  On the flip side, if I do something good or favorable then I puff myself up.  I really am  somethin'.  When I am looking to myself for righteousness, I am looking in the exact opposite direction that God intends for me to look.  I love the words to the old hymn:

"My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus blood and rightousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand."

     I can fight my condemnation by recognizing two things:  First, my only hope of righteousness stands on what Christ has done for me on the cross.  We say that over and over, but do we really know what that means??  Am I living and breathing with the hope of my salvation based on Jesus' blood?  Second, I need to recognize that any good that I see in myself or others is an amazing work of God in our lives.  I need to grow tremendously here, especially if I see someone else with a strength that I do not possess.  Instead of looking inward and beginning the downward spiral of comparing which leads to condemnation, I can rejoice in God for what He has done for them!

     Ladies, I am confident as I write these words that I am not the only one struggling in this specific area.  I know we are all tempted in similar ways, in particular to stack ourselves against each other.  I pray that our hearts would be directed to the  source of our strength, the hope of our righteousness, and the true joy of our salvation.

P.S. I took this picture of my dad's garden last weekend.   He is the avid gardener in the family.  Can't wait to get my hands on those lima beans.